Monday, May 30, 2011

There Are No Anchovies

A little while ago I blogged that I don't believe in Anchovies; I'm an A-Anchoviest. Things have changed.  Now I'm a believer.  I feel like my sole has been saved.

This is the bassic story of my conversion.

A friend at work saw my blog and told me he has had anchovies. Then we walked through Costco and he tried showed me some.  But they didn't have any.  He assured me if I went into any Italian grocery store they'd have them.  I thought he was just throwing me a red herring.  I mean, for cod's sake, did he think I was some kinda sucker?  Or, maybe he was just being koi?

My next clue was when someone at the office came into my cubicle one morning and plunked down a jar of anchovies onto my desk and walked away.  Walleye thought something smelt fishy after that.  I started to trout my beliefs.

I took the jar home and decided to make a pizza with anchovies.  I invited three friends over to share the anchovies.  I didn't want be shellfish, after all.

So, we made the pizza.  (In fact me made two in a roe!)  It felt like it took forever to make.  We waited with baited breath.  Anchovies are reel salty. The pizza was loaded with other toppings: peppers (green, red, orange, and yellow), onions, tomatoes, olives, cheese, and pepperoni. When I took a bite of a slice that had anchovies, the taste of the anchovies over-powered the taste of everything else.

Here's a picture of the pizza after I put the anchovies on it (and before I put everything else on it).  As you can see, the anchovies are on three quarters of the pizza.  There were four of us that night.  The pizza would be divided by four.  I asked "Should I make two slices with anchovies?"  They said "Two?  Nahhhh, make it three... just for the halibut."

Well, it was a fun night.  You might even say it was like salmon chanted evening.

Incidentally, I didn't eat any of the anchovies raw.  I was afraid I might fall eel.  Then I would have needed some real professional kelp.  I might have even needed a team of sturgeons to trawl through my system to cure me.

My experience is that anchovies aren't very common, so if you'd like to try them and you're in a store and you see a jar of anchovies, you'd better snapper up before someone else does.  But, if someone else tries at the same time, you might get in a fight.  Then it will down come to mussel.  Who knows, in a thousand years anchovies could be extinct.

And now, as the French would say: La Fin!

(PS:  Sorry for the crappie puns.  They didn't serve any great porpoise and I'm sure you've just about haddock with them.  I suppose I should have warned you.  Oh whale.  Caviar Emptor.)

Monday, May 23, 2011

My Haunting Dreams

The rapture was supposed to happen on Saturday, and I, for one, am glad it didn't. Here's why.

As a Christian, I'm looking forward to the rapture. I'm not entirely sure I believe in the rapture, but if there is one, then I'm looking forward to it. Of course, I'm assuming I won't be left below. It's about the only way you can never die.

I figure that Heaven is going to be really busy right after the rapture. There's going to be lots of administrative work to be done. I imagine that there will be long lines, and insane waiting times.

One of the things I look forward to when I die is getting my haunting license. I'd like to come back and haunt a family in a big, old house. But for that I think I'd have to wait for my Family-In-A-Big-Old-House tags. Otherwise, I'll be stuck haunting schizophrenics in an asylum. The patients will tell the nurses they're being haunted, and the nurses will just say "Of course you are." And no one will believe them, not even Agent Mulder.

But after the rapture, Heaven will be way to busy for me to take haunting courses, let alone applying and waiting for the license. It could take decades. As you read Revelation, you can see that stuff gets more and more surreal as the tribulation continues. Haunting won't be as fun anymore. Then after the seven year tribulation period is up, haunting will be pointless.  People will have a better understanding of the after-life.

But, since the rapture didn't happen, I can continue on with my haunting dreams.

Friday, May 20, 2011

I Hope I'm Not Left Below!

As I write this blog, the Rapture is supposed to happen tomorrow. Then, the world will end in October. I have figured out how the world will end. The universe will be ripped apart by a giant paradox.

Here's my syllogism:

  1. The Rapture is a Christian Doctrine concerning the end of the world.
  2. If the Rapture happens, then it proves that Christianity is the correct religion.
  3. If Christianity is the correct religion then The Bible is infallible.
  4. The Bible says that neither the angles nor Jesus - The Son of God - knows when the end of the world would be. "Only The Father knows." - Math 24:36, Mark 13:32
  5. If the Rapture happens tomorrow, May 21, 2011, then it has been predicted. Someone other than The Father knew about it.
  6. If someone other than The Father knows when the end of the world is then The Bible was wrong, ie: fallible. (See points 3 and 4).
  7. The predictor of tomorrow's rapture predicts an end of the world in 5 to 6 months - much shorter than the 7 years predicted by The Bible.
  8. Point 3 contradicts points 6 and 7. It's a paradox. POW! The universe is ripped apart.

My recommendations:
  1. A this point, crossing the streams might work.
  2. DON'T PANIC